An Experience at Upaya

By Paula Jisen Saracen

1.    Did you have expectations before going to Upaya? How did you feel before departing to Upaya? 
 
I had been to one sesshin before so I based a lot of my expectations for Upaya on that past experience which was wonderful, magical in fact. That past experience at the Garrison Institute in New York is what made me decide to further pursue the practice of Zen Buddhism, and it is also the first time I met Sensei Shinzan! After hearing his Dharma talk and having Dokusan with him, I knew I had found my teacher. I left Garrison feeling such a deep connection with all the sesshin participants and with the entire world. At the Newark airport flying home, I wanted to hug everyone! Yes, the magic of sesshin. 
 
Having had that wonderful experience at Garrison, I expected that Upaya would surpass that experience by three fold! The sesshin at Upaya was 6 days versus the 2 days at Garrison, so I expected it to be even that much more wonderful. Many of my 4 Vows Sangha brothers and sisters had been to Upaya for sesshin and sung the very high praises of Upaya, the majesty of the location, the complicated and beautifully orchestrated practice of Oryoki, and the phenomenal food. 
 
Upaya is also the former home of Shinzan, my teacher and I felt it was such an honor to attend sesshin with him at his home temple. I am also a huge fan of Joan Halifax. I have a passion for Zen Buddhist hospice and she is a pioneer in the field so I was in awe of visiting the Zen Center she founded.
 
So lots of good stuff, lots of high expectations, but then there was the stress I felt about Oryoki. Some said it was stressful and impossible, some loved it, but everyone agreed, the learning curve was steep, and you were going to feel like a fool for at least 3 days. I decided to YouTube it and it just looked plain strange to me, I was getting scared now. But then right before I left, one of my dharma sisters said I was absolutely going to love it and it was like a beautiful dance, so I left my fears and expectations behind and packed my bag. Thank you, Kaiji!
 
2.    How did you adjust to the schedule of the sesshin? What challenges did you have?
 
Upaya is very formal, and the residents there really know their stuff. I immediately felt a bit insecure, here I was wearing my Rakusu yet felt I lacked experience in many of the Zen practices and ceremonies that seemed as natural as breathing to the Zen residents of Upaya. There was a lot of learning that needed to be done on my, but I was up for the challenge and excited to be amongst such a wonderful group of Zen practitioners.
 
The schedule at Upaya was rigorous but there was a lot of rest breaks and free time unlike the sesshin I had done at Garrison, so I was relieved. I could do this! The first day I took some extra Oryoki training, so I was feeling really good about everything. I also had my own room with a beautiful view of the river valley and the nature surrounding Upaya was astounding, truly heaven on earth. I was blown away by the beauty of the center. 
 
But then I was summoned by my teacher for some extra training. At the training I learned I would be doing the early morning Han practice. Striking the wooden Han calls the community to the zendo. I felt a deep honor that I was selected to “awaken” the sesshin community, but I also felt a deep fear and dread. I am not a morning person and the 15-minute Han schedule looked quite complex to my naïve eyes.
 
I had done the Han one time at Sweetwater Zen Center and it wasn’t so bad, so I thought, I’ll just get up early and follow the instructions, what can go wrong? Hah! Famous last words. 5:30 am, was 4:30 am for me, and there was a shadow over the instructions from the light above me so it was difficult to read, my brain fog caused me to panic and with 5 minutes to spare, I had finished. Oh no! Fortunately, Shinzan passed by and saved me. I felt like a failure. But there was five more days, so I was determined to figure it out. On one of my breaks, I snuck my phone from my room and took a picture of the Han instructions when no one was looking. I then spent every free minute that day practicing in my room with my hairbrush acting as the wooden mallet. 
 
The next day I got it right! Or so I thought, because later in the day I got a note from the Temple saying I forgot to close the doors after. Then, the next day, I forgot to take off my socks before entering the zendo. Then, the next day I forgot to bow before the priest’s seats as I entered the zendo. I don’t think I ever got it “right,” but the Han is a practice. Sesshin is a practice. Life is practice, and we never do get it “right.” I find it’s not about being perfect or getting it right, it’s about intention and passion, passion for living life just as it is. The Han taught me this. Zen teaches me this.
 
3.    Share, explain, and describe one or two highlights from your experience (share as much as you feel comfortable with).
 
At Upaya, the world slows down, or so it seems. I had the chance to slow down and watch life happen right in front of me. I loved watching the beautiful, colored fall leaves drop from the trees. One day, Shinzan was giving a dharma talk about Fall Sesshin and how we could let things in our life that aren’t important fall away. Behind him were the glass doors of the Zendo, and I watched a windstorm blow all the leaves off the trees. It was magical. I felt pieces of me I no longer needed blow into the wind.
 
Shinzan told me to look at everything and ask the question, “What is this?” So I took long walks along the river, watched lizards, birds and butterflies, trees, everything. And one cold day, as we gathered for samu, it began to snow. I let the snowflakes fall on my tongue. The world came alive.
 
I turned off my phone for the week. All the things that I felt were so important, that I couldn’t turn away from for more than five minutes, left my mind completely. If my family had an emergency, they had the number for the Zen Center. I realized more than anything, that what is most important to me, is nature and the love and connection with people. Nothing on my phone gives me joy and happiness. It’s an illusion. Upaya helped me let all the noise fall away and beneath it, I discovered life.
 
5.    What have you taken away from this experience?
 
The minute I walked into my front door life was happening just as I left it. Nothing had changed. But I have changed. I carry the experience in my heart of Upaya and the week I let it all fall away, and beneath it I found what was never lost, the beauty and majesty of life.