Following my Own Footprints

Jikai at Upaya Zen Center

The Path That I Follow is Nothing More Than the Path That My Own Footprints Are Marking.

By Julieta Jikai Becerril.

My name is Julieta Becerril Alatorre; my Dharma name is Jikai. I am 57 years old, a Mexican citizen. In my life, I have had hard experiences with death and illness that greatly affected me.  My meeting with the Dharma transformed my suffering into happiness through the understanding of life and death.

 I grew up with many insecurities and fears because my father, who was the person closest to me, died when I was 10 years old. I lived with his death very closely as he passed away at dawn in my house. Now, I see that it was a gift in my life to have been with him in his transcendence.

I grew up in a Catholic family and studied in my childhood and part of my adolescence in a school for nuns; I was happy in that place. when my father died, I liked to go to the chapel and its silence. I sat, observing the nuns who prayed and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere, I think it was the first time that I knew a safe haven from my suffering. The time spent there has marked my whole life.

I got married at 19 and at 25 I already had two small children. They filled my life and my sufferings and confusions vanished. I focused my whole body and soul to raise them, take care of them and put all my emotional resources for them, as sentient beings, to realize their full potentials. I wanted them to be honest and above all happy, and most of all that they would not suffer as I had.

When I was 42 years old, they detected a brain tumor (Shwanomma). The tumor was already very large and inoperable. The initial shock and long-term impact on me were very great. My children were 16 and 19 years old. The only thing I could think about was them. Throughout their whole lives, above all, I had tried to save them from suffering. Now, here it was, in front of them.

I was radiated with Gamma Knife for many hours. I don't really remember how many sessions. What is recorded in my mind and body is the sound of the device, the iron door that they closed every time they put the radiation on me, and the traumatic iron helmet that they screwed into my skull. it was all in one full day and I did not have another radiation session. The treatment was very traumatic at the time.

That same day my internal transformation began. Inside, I wanted to find a way to stop suffering so much physical and emotional pain. As if I was called to it, I came to meditative practice. My discovery of this practice came as a result of illness. I started doing Vipassana meditation. Just as I gained new tools, life dealt more suffering. A very painful divorce arrived with many emotional and financial consequences. However, my spiritual search continued and I found a Diksha Group (Blessing of Unity). Shortly after practice, I made a retreat with the Oneness University of India, at their Verona campus, Italy. it was a very healing and purifying experience for me. There I began to find my true path. On my return, I began to form groups of meditation and Diksha, always with gratitude in my mind and heart to my great teachers who helped me to get out of so much suffering.

 In 2011, I went to an event at Casa Tibet where the Dalai Lama gave a talk. Following that, I started taking courses, meditations and initiations, increasingly focused on understanding life and death through Buddhist Thanatology. At the same time, I studied Thanatology in Mexico and at TCU Fort Worth, Texas.

 I have found the compassionate and loving path of Roshi Joan Halifax as she helps sick people and accompanies people with terminal illnesses. At this stage of my life, I feel my search reaching solid ground.

 I took Jukai (Receiving the Precepts) in 2018 with Roshi Joan Halifax, Abbot of Upaya Zen Center, and thanks to her support my practice and learning continue. In that same year, Roshi Joan Halifax put me in contact with Sensei José Shinzan Palma, and with his help and kind heart we began to form a Sangha in Mexico that same year. Since the pandemic arrived, we have continued meditating and having Dharma talks with Sensei through the Internet. I can also attend virtual retreats in Upaya. All of these have led me to make one of the most important decisions of my life: to continue to practice and study, committing myself to formalize the Bodhisattva path with the guidance and support of my Sensei Shinzan Palma.